Wine: Cool vs. Tool

First of all, my apologies, to all the career sommeliers in bow-ties and cardigan-wearing wine critics out there for letting the cat out of the bag, but I think it high time we start to appreciate wine for what it is.

Far too often, wine is sold, marketed, and appreciated in a setting too pretentious. Far too often this setting was created by people who have the least hands-on experience making wine. Or they make wine on such a large scale that they have stepped back from the roots of the process (pun intended).

Let’s first discuss what wine production and consumption should be. First and foremost, it’s agriculture people!!! That’s right, Farmer’s Almanac, baby! The best winemakers in the world can be found in jeans and boots covered in their chosen soil type and talking about dirt, the weather, and the crop. All wine should be an expression of the place the grapes were grown because each region and climate have their own characteristics. The winemaker’s job is to aid and allow these characteristics to show in the wine itself.

Now, consumption is my true area of expertise. Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m afraid I will have some “connoisseurs” doing spit-takes with their over-oaked, over-priced Napa Cabernet after these next few sentences. Of course, there is a time and place to break down a wines profile and palette but I dare say that for even the most educated and practiced wine enthusiast that the majority of their wine consumption is just a piece of the moment in which it is being consumed. Yes, I am saying that the most passionate winemakers and wine professionals in the privacy of their own homes pull a cork, taste the wine, and simply decide that the wine either sucks or does not suck. The wines that do not suck are poured and drank and enjoyed, often without even a moment spent discussing whether or not the front palette is laced with burnt white grapefruit peel or caramelized kumquats. Here’s another awful secret, the wine that did suck often finds its way into the glass at the end of the evening when the senses are dulled and the neckties undone.

Unfortunately, many winemakers or wanna-be’s attempt to defeat nature in their winery in order to create a wine that is popular or trendy or is even a great wine else where in the world (where it belongs). This is the first mis-step in a vicious cycle of creating an internationally standard style of wine. Well, now millions of winemakers have successfully buried the uniqueness of their regions and created millions of bottles of wine that are nearly impossible to differentiate between. Enter pretension, smoke & mirrors, and the all around shit-show of the new world wine market. In this case, the arrogant sommeliers, the wine sales reps that are better suited for used cars, the tasting notes that resemble tacky poetry and million dollar tasting rooms become necessary in order for a wine to distinguish itself.

At this point you’re asking yourself, “What’s his point?” Fair enough. Now that we have wine being made and marketed as haute-couture it has been made mysterious, intimidating, unaffordable and eventually, not worth the trouble to the masses of novice wine drinkers. It is our job as wine professionals to bring wine back to what it is. I will be the first to tell you that wine is a rare combination or nature, art, and science, but we must also remember that this combination creates an ALCOHOLIC beverage. In our homes and bars and restaurants we aren’t having a glass of wine to induce existentialism. We are taking the edge off a hard day; we are lowering our inhibitions and letting down our hair. Come on people!!! Wine is how babies are made, speakers are blown, success is celebrated, and failures forgotten. Let us never forget it! This is how it should be made, marketed and consumed.

But wait! Before you die-hard cork dorks, wine geeks and yuppies demand I be stoned publicly at your next Bordeaux futures seminar, let me explain how this benefits you and the creation of truly great wines. Oh yes, this theory benefits us all, for once the novice consumer is enticed back into the wine world with humble tasting rooms and casual and fun tasting events, and after we “professionals” educate them in a non-pretentious and relaxed manner, they will embrace wine. Immediately, palettes and preferences will become more sophisticated. Suddenly the number of wine consumers doubles and triples and they begin to appreciate the subtleties of wine and terroir. There will not only be a larger market for artisan wine, there will be a demand for it! Now producers will be forced to produce quality wines at a reasonable price because the consumer will no longer be duped by flashy labels or the industry myth that a bottle of wine must be good, why else would they charge $200? This could force the first opportunity ever in California to buy a really good bottle of wine for $10. This is currently impossible. Then, instead of only 20% of the bottles we open being great, 80% of the bottles will rock.

So you see, the entire industry will evolve for the better if we professionals remove the proverbial stick from our collective ass. Until then, I will be forced to make wine in California and buy wine from Austria. Imagine when we poor folk can finally go to a nice restaurant and order a glass of wine instead of a beer because there is actually good wine under $10 a glass.

Bottoms up!